Greetings from Grants Pass 10/17/05

We woke this morning to mist and fog. It was lovely. We left Concord yesterday morning and wound up in Grant's Pass, Oregon. The drive up was pleasant - other than my back hurting and me feeling a wee bit car sick...Gary commented that if I was feeling car sick, I probably shouldn't be crocheting in the car... mrrf...

Gary and Mijo are nice traveling companions. Gary stops when I need to pee (oh, about every hour), and Mijo helps out by needing to pee too. We found a cool Australian hat store - very off the beaten path - and Gary found two hats that he couldn't live without. So, they weren't cheap. And I love the fact that day one of vacation, the "male" is spending beaucoup bucks shopping. And I ended up with..... zucchini! Yup! And it was free too! (more on that story later...)

So, we all needed to go and pee. We saw a sign that said, "food and gas - next exit". Now this is in Oregon, "Land of the California-haters". So, we took the exit. We ended up 10 miles down the road, passing through a tiny little town with its sidewalks rolled up, and no place to pee. I mean really - no fast food joints (this can't be America without fast food places). We finally saw the gas station... it was a little tiny corner place, mom & pop sort of joint. You know, a little store with two gas pumps in the front. And it was closed. AARrrrrggg... And I had to PEE!! That was it. All the Oregonians were looking at us like we were aliens (or they were aliens - I'm not sure). Anyway, we left as quickly as we could! It was creepy!! Anyway, Gary found a little place to pull over so that Mijo could pee.... and guess what?!? They both got to go pee!! This is when I hate penis-owners the most! So, I hollered really loud to try and draw attention to the peeing men.... mrrrffff... I still had to pee... not fair!

The plan for day two is to continue north until we hit Seattle. We have both been there before... thank God we don't have to do the Space Needle again... So, what are we going to do?? Well, we are going to drink coffee, enjoy the fog, and walk hand in hand down the street (like lovers do)... but most of all we are just going to be together and enjoy each other.

Okay, so we may get in some additional shopping too...

Oh, and we are going to go to Pike's Market and look around. Maybe we'll find some more adventures

nice smells 10/4/05

I went to the grocery store yesterday after I got of off work at 6:00 p.m. I made it through the store fairly quickly and got home a little after 7:00. As I walked up to the front door, I picked up the lovely scent of ‘something’ cooking. I figured that my neighbors were making dinner. Then when I walked into the house, I realized that the scent was coming from my kitchen. Aaaahhh – I remember. I asked Maegan to make a loaf of bread today. And the wonderful aroma was from the baking bread. Lovely. What a wonderful thing to come home to!



Just smelling the bread put me into a good mood. It invigorated me – and I could hardly wait to pull it out of the machine, hack off a nice warm piece and smear butter (not margarine) all over it!



That got me to thinking…. what smells put me into a good mood. And why? Here is a list – feel free to add to my list with your favorites!



The aroma of:



Bread baking – makes me feel warm and yummy

Rain – smells of change

Newly mown grass – summer, summer, summer

A ripe plum – makes me think of hot, humid southern summers when I was a kid

Honeysuckle – childhood and grazing on the wild honeysuckle

Baby’s skin – so clean, fresh and new

An orange – sunshine

Old Spice cologne – my dad

Clothes from the dry cleaner – Band

Nutmeg – Christmas

Snow - Tahoe

Gary’s skin – makes me feel warm, safe, and loved

Puppy breath – no need to describe this!

Reflections on Walmart 9/30/05

Although my last two blogs were about shopping, my friend M* brought up a good point.... why am I shopping at WalMart? I know better that to shop there. And I must admit that I was embarassed when M* pointed it out! So, I had to do some thinking about this. Why do I and other folks shop at a place that we know undercuts competition, shorts their employees on overtime, doesn't provide health care coverage, and forces suppliers to sell their products to WalMart at a lower price than they will sell it elsewhere?

My first impluse was to say that it is because the prices are so low - and with all of the burden of paying the mortgage, taxes, etc... by myself, I have to cut corners wherever I can. But I basically went on a spree.. So it isn't cutting corners when I spend more because Iimpulse buy than I would if I paid a little more per item at another store and really only purchased what I walked into the store to purchase. And this is a very self centered way of viewing and doing things.

My next thought was that WalMart was close to work.... but no - Longs is closer.

My third thought was that maybe this says something about actually living what I say that I believe.

ouch.

Yup - walking the talk --- is a lot harder than it seems.

So, I think that I need to reevaluate what it is that I believe in --- not shopping at WalMart is only one of many --- and decide what I am willing to sacrifice for my beliefs. Am I willing to sacrifice paying higher prices at another store even when money is tight? Am I willing to invest in companies that has business philosiphies that match my values - even though I may get a lower ROI? Do I really believe in the things that I say that I believe in? Just saying that I believe in something doesn't make it so.

Hmmm... maybe there was some value in my shopping trip to WalMart after all...

Entry #2 for 9/29/05

I know, I know ... Walmart is EVIL. I know.... I read Nickle and Dimed ... I won't use MerryMaids, blah, blah, blah.... I am a democrat and work with the most poverty-stricken folks in our society. And I agree... I shouldn't shop at Walmart.

But the POINT is... the shopping problem. It could have been Longs, or Walgreens, or the local Hallmark store. I'm reaching out here, people....

10-steps, 12-steps... maybe it should be 2-steps?

10 steps anyone? 9/29/05

Shopping intervention. That is what I need. Yup, tough love.

I went to WalMart yesterday at lunchtime. I just went to enlarge some prints - should have cost <$10. Then I realized that I needed emergency dog food (the dog food to use when I run out of Booboo's regular dog food). And I couldn't leave without getting her some treats. And what is the use of two large photos without frames? Oh yeah, I also needed an alarm clock as my alarm doesn't work. I could use my cell phone but would rather use an actual clock. And I did see a cute blouse that was on sale... oh yeah, needed some hair product, popcorn, and beef jerky. All in all it added up to $89.86!!

What??? How did I go from $10 to $89.86????

I know, I can justify all of the items that I listed... but to jump $80 from what I thought I would spend to what I actually spent.... that isn't good. Nor is it fiscally responsible (oops - thought I was at work for a moment!)

So, I asked my boyfriend for help. He reminded me that he has dropped a bundle on home brewing supplies over the last month. Okay, he won't be any help. And my daughter is as bad as me. She isn't any help....

I think I need a 10-step group for this.....

sigh....

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish... 9/22/05

So I finally cleared out the dining room... If anyone tells you that they can move a piano by themselves, slap them hard. They are crazy. I tried it (moving the piano part) and was amazed at how heavy a piano really is. Now, I'm a pretty strong person, and playing cyms helped and all... but the piano was like a wall! I ended up having to use my entire body to push it away from the wall - yes, wedged myself between the piano and the wall, to move it a little. This was not a pretty sight - stuck between a piano and a wall... I don't know how I managed it without breaking something vital. But I managed to move it into the living room - the new home of the piano....

And wouldn't you know, Maegan and her boyfriend come walking in about two minutes AFTER I am done. mmrfff.....

We are having fish for Diane's party on Saturday. Gary is going to do some kind of balsamic/honey reduction... I dunno. I do know, however, that the man is a excellent cook! The 15 lbs that I have gained since we began dating are result of that! Hope everyone likes fish!

Back to work... 9/19/05

Today is my first day back at the office. I spent the last two months in another office. And now I'm home.

I have noticed that the pace here isn't as crazy as it was in the district office. Probably because we were face to face with our clients every day. So far, I have answered email, read throught a couple of reports, had lunch.... maybe I'll clean my desk next. Weird, after being soooo busy, I don't know what to do now.... maybe I'll go to WalMart....

My boss, S*, and I met this morning to discuss what I should be doing next. She brought up the possibility of me being transferred to another division. I, of course, thought that would be a terrible mistake. Hopefully I can continue to report to S*... she is cool. She gave me a Starbucks gift card before I headed out to the district office two months ago.... I likey coffee. And, she has a great sense of humor. AND, the county owes me 125 hours of comp time.... S* told me that I could just take the time off as I needed it... Hmmm... what can one do with 125 hours of comp time? That is like over a month of vacation. Seems like an awful lot. I'd better re-add this.

Today's joke:
CNN reported a problem at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. Apparantly, the production lines had backed up and chaos had ensued. The foreman walked the lines to see if he could identify the problem. And he was finally successful. At the far end of the plant, a new employee sat with a large amount of the Tickle Me Elmo fabric on one side of her, and a box of marbles on the other side. The foreman watched her carefully cut a small swatch of the fabric, wrap it around two marbles, and sew it between Elmo's legs. The foreman reported this to the Plant Manager, who realized the problem. "I'll take care of this", the Plant Manager said to the foreman. The Plant Manager walked over to the new employee, interrupted her, and said, "I think I mis-communicated your responsibilities when I hired you. I said that you would be responsible for two test-tickles.....

hahahahahaha.... oh, okay. enough for now. Back to work...

Musings,... 9/18/05

My wonderful boyfriend, (who is the greatest boyfriend ever) is currently sitting in front of his 42" tv watching the Raider/Chiefs football game in hdtv. And he is screaming at it.... hmmmm..... I don't think that this is a good time to tell him that those guys, or bitches as he currently calls them, can hear him.... nope. I definately don't think right now is a good time to enlighten him about the beauty of hdtv - how it "appears" that you are right there. But you really aren't there....

Update... his team did something good. He is currently dancing around the living room, screaming and hollering....

I am painting my dining room.... green. Well, not just any green, a lovely, celery/pear green. I like it. I am probably the only person in the world who likes it. And that is okay by me. Because I pay the mortgage. And I am going to trim it out in white. I will leave one wall white/swiss chocolate. It is an off-white neutral color... hmmmm can't wait to get the air hockey table out of the dining room so that I can start painting.

Oh! And that darn little dog that we found! We discovered "Louie" a couple of weekends ago. He is a wiener dog/ chihuahua doggie. He was a tiny, tiny dog.... with HUGE (ahem) balls. We kept him in the house while we were trying to find his family. And he peed. Damn dog. He peed in the dining room - and now Booboo is trying to reclaim her house... by peeing in the same spot. And Mijo decided that he needed to pee there too... Damn Louie. Had I known we wouldn't have located his family - we'd have had a dog on the barbie. So, I noticed that the carpet was wet. And I pulled it up. It was sooo wet that the pee had pooled on the wood underneath. Too bad plywood flooring isn't in style. So, I cut the carpet up - and the padding. And I poured bleach on the pee -- interesting smell. Guess I'll extend the flooring from the hallway into the dining room. I wanted to do that anyway... damn dog....

Gary and I worked at the house yesterday. He planted grass and sealed the foundation - a huge crack between the cement pad and the garage wall...and I loaded up all of the trash into the back of Daddy's truck. I did a lot of other work - but can't think of it right now. We ended the day by dining on chicken and dumplings.... mmmmmm.... comfort food......

Ahhhhhh... 9/14/05

At last - my most recent work assignment is over. I have spent the last seven weeks managing implementation of our new computer system at a couple of sites. Well, managing is really too big of a word for what I did.....

So, I returned to my old office this afternoon. I already have assignments from my boss. Luckily she is on vacation through Friday. I think I am going to take it easy for the next couple of days.

I had a great time this weekend at Diane's bridal shower. Lots of fun and good food - specially the raspberry sorbet champagne thingeys. They rocked!

That's it. Nothing more to say..... lalala.....

Dog Days of Summer... 9/5/05

Wow, I can't believe that it has been over a month since I have written anything! I guess things have been a little busy for me. We "went live" on a new computer system at work in early August. I am coordinating the "go live" support for three buildings in east county. It has been really busy and I've worked lots of hours. But for the most part, it has been satisfying. And I hope that now things will settle down...

My mom and dad left for Hawaii on Friday morning. The house feels so empty now. I miss their "bantering" with each other. And I miss having dinner with them after work every night. And I miss being able to spend time with them. Ever since Jake and I split up, I have gotten used to my solitude. I enjoyed my time alone - or at least with my doggies. Now I have to get used to it again.

Brewing beer has been the 'to do' of the day. Gary has been happily puttering around, adding hops and malt to the concoction that is boiling in a BIG pot on the turkey fryer. He is on his second batch - a Chocolate Hazelnut Porter. The first batch was Nut Brown Ale. Sorry ladies and gents, he's mine! I made dog biscuts out of the used grains (after steeping in boiling water). Oh, and I made bread. (not out of the spent grains - although some folks do add it to their homemade bread... yccchh...) Kind of a lazy, enjoyable Labor Day... one of the last of the dog days of summer...

Update on the doggies 7/21/05

A quick update on the doggies:

Booboo is healing. She has many stitches in her face, the most pronounced is over her eye. Luckily she didn't suffer any lasting damage to her eye... and hopefully not to her sight. She is not as energetic as usual. I figure that is due to feeling icky and not having her sister around to play with.

Muffin is still with Jake - and the plan is for her to stay there. She is still confused and hasn't eaten since the incident early Monday morning. Jake asked me what he should do to entice her into eating... I told him to try people food on top of her dog food. Unfortunately, he has no people food in his house (Yes, that is actually what he said... funny thing - I believe him). She is also peeing all over the place when she sees him. She has always done that - a submissive thing. I guess he is unhappy that she does it while on the couch. hmpf. Hope his girlfriend (don't know if she is one of the ones he was messing around with while we were together or not...) likes the lovely odor of doggie urine.

And I miss Muffin. The house seems empty without that big galoot running around, stepping on my feet and trying to always climb into my lap. Booboo misses Muffin and Maegan misses Muffin. But she can't come back. All I need to do is take one look at Booboo's stitched up face and I know that I can't take that risk.

But I still miss her - and feel terrible that she is living in a less loving, less doggie friendly enviornment.

so that is the update - I guess things work out, not always as we want them to, but they work out nonetheless.

Sometimes love isn't enough... 7/18/05

This morning I had to relocate Muffin to her dad's house -- the relocation took place at about 4:00 am. This occurred right after she attacked her sister, Booboo. Right there in bed, I'm laying in the middle of the two dogs, and Muffin attacks Booboo.

It was pretty bad. I tackled Muffin and held onto her with my arms wrapped around her hips. I tried to pull her away from Booboo, but Booboo isn't one to run from a fight. Unfortunately, Booboo doesn't normally win fights. This time was no exception. I screamed for them to stop - finally Maegan heard me, came in, and got Booboo out of the bedroom.

The first thing that I did was to call Jake - to tell him that he had to take Muffin. However he didn't answer his phone. I left some kind of garbled message -- I was hyperventlating - I always do when I get extremely scared or upset.

So, I checked on Booboo, saw that she was pretty tore up, got Muffin's collar and leash and took her out to my truck. I drove straight over to Jake's house, praying that he was actually there. When I got there, "someone's" car was in his drive. I didn't care. I knocked on the door until I woke him/them and he came to the door. I handed him the leash, told him what happened, and told him that I was going to take Booboo to the vet. Oh, and Muffin can't live with us anymore. Then I got into my truck and drove away.

I did a lot of thinking about this situation. It isn't new. Muffin has attacked Booboo in the past. She has also attacked other dogs. She and Boo squeezed through a hole in the fence and attacked our neighbor's pit bull last Thursday evening. Muffin seems to have an agressive streak that I can't erase.

I did one on one training with Muffin last November - January. It helped immensely. She seemed like a different dog. She hadn't attacked Booboo since... until last night.

I tried everything that I knew of to help Muffin stay with us. But nothing worked.

I guess that sometimes love isn't enough. I thought that if I loved her enough I could help to change her personality - make her into a less aggressive dog. If I loved her enough, I could find a solution to keep her. If I loved her enough, it would work out to be okay. But it isn't enough. Not always...

Pappy - 7/8/05

Today is my Dad's birthday! He turned 71 this year. That means that he was born in 1934 - during the Great Depression.

My dad tells stories about his childhood - he was 1 of 10 children - and he was the ruffian of the bunch. He grew up in rural Alabama where the Great Depression probably didn't have as much of an impact as it did in the north. His family grew much of what they ate - although they didn't live on a farm, they seemed to have a garden and fruit trees. And since he was one of the older kids, he had the job of climbing on the roof three times a day during the summer to lay out fruit for drying. In the morning, he put the fruit on the tin roof of the house to dry. At noon, he had to climb back up on the hot tin and turn the fruit. (he didn't wear shoes in the summer --ouch!!) Then in the evening, he collected the fruit.

Although his family didn't have much in the way of material goods, it didn't seem to be an issue. Maybe most of the folks back then didn't have much. So, no one knew any different.

I'm so lucky that I still have my dad. I have watched him age in the last couple of years, and I know that I don't have a lot of time left with him. So, I plan to try and enjoy what I do have.

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

BTW..... 6/22/05

OMG! Two posts in one day!

I also wanted to chime in about the show on Saturday night! Where did BDB come from?!? They were amazing! And of course - Renegades rocked!!! whoo-hoo! Anne's solo was wonderful (and I had no idea that you weren't standing in the right spot)! Meeting Marsha was marvey! (And BTW - there is something going on with the "anne" ending.... Diane, Roxane, Anne.... Marshanne, Kimilanne, Lanianne..... etc)!

It was also really nice to spend the evening with people that I care about watching an activity that I love. Diane and I discussed each and every corps .... in detail! As only we can! My dad (Pappy) enjoyed all of the "bands". He preferred the band wearing the red jackets and white pants over the last band. That surprised me - but then again, they have different signature styles. (SCV and BD).

okay - that's it for now...

Australia? 6/22/05

Got my results back from the oral board.... {sickening drum roll here}

ahem... I actually managed to pass the bloody thing and get on the list.... barely.

I placed low --- really low.... like, I think I came in closer to first in the last footrace I was in.

sigh.

Well, I guess I don't have to make a decision about whether or not to accept this job when the project is over. I'm not high enough to interview.

So, here is the delimma.... I can work my a** off (been working 12+ hour days lately AND my freaking day off), manage to get this project rolling and not get the job OR I can work my 40 hours a week, do what I can and still NOT GET THE JOB. Hmmmm....

Or, I could work my butt off (but not as many hours as I have been putting in), do a good job, and just be glad that I can add to my experience --- actually working in an area where I don't have a lot of experience... experience that I need for the next level.

Okay - on another note... I have a great boyfriend!

So, he doesn't do drum corps. I mean - he'll go to the shows with me as long as he can bring a book - but he doesn't geek out on drum corps. BUT - he is totally supportive of me geeking out over drum corps!

AND - he and my dad (Pappy) get along! They were trading stories all weekend. Made me a little concerned that there wouldn't be enough oxygen in the little town of Clyde for all the gum-flapping that they were doing.

Yup - and he is nice in many other ways.... he cooks, he loves doggies, he loves my doggies, he and my daughter actually like each other....

Sigh. It is 6:39 AM. I need to leave in 20 minutes. I haven't even approached the shower, much less think about what clothes are clean and match.... don't wanna go to work.....

maybe I should move to Australia.

Losing it - 6/17/05

Do you ever wonder if you are losing it? Mentally, I mean? I do. and I think that I finally have. It isn't one of those going crazy, screaming, throwing things. Nothing exciting like that. It is quiet. I lose track of things. And sometimes I don't even remember that I have lost track of it. Because I don't remember it at all.

That is just the memory aspect. Then there is the not being as sharp as I used to be aspect. I used to be able to pick up on subtle nuances. I could follow three conversations at once, and have insightful comments for each one. Not any more. Now, as I listen to people talk in a meeting, my focus devolves to just watching their lips move. And I wonder if they floss each and every day - or just once in awhile.

I used to be able to produce tons and tons of work. I could produce paper like mad. Paper with writing on it, even. Like reports and stuff. Not any more. Now I just produce yellow legal sheets with handwritten notes and "action" items. They never transform into anything meaningful. They just clutter my desk. And I am afraid that if I throw them away, I will forget to do something that I have already forgotten that I was supposed to do.

I wake at night - well actually about 2:00 AM - and worry about all of the things that I should be doing that aren't getting done. All the meetings that I was supposed to plan, finding conference rooms to hold those meetings, finding a time where the schedules of five people can converge for an hour. And, of course, what those meetings need to be about.

I tried to spend yesterday afternoon - 5 whole hours - doing only three tasks: composing a letter to clients, putting together notes from a previous meeting and writing out recommendations based on those notes, and adding to my MicrosoftProject "to do" list. I accomplished the first two items. But I didn't , couldn't, get to the third.

I could have slammed that out plus a couple more things in addition to them just a couple of years ago. Not anymore. I thought that I could accomplish those three things. But only two were completed. Why? It must be that I am losing it. I don't have the focus, the drive, the jizz that I used to have.

And I blew an interview this week. An oral board. For the classification that I hold right now in a work out of class position. Translation: I needed to do well in the oral board so that I could get on the list and be hired permanently into the job that I am doing right now. But I blew it. It was not pretty. Normally, I do really good interviews. Any chance to talk about myself is one that I don't normally pass up. And I usually answer their questions well. I hit the key points, relate it to my experience, and sum it all up in a nice, neat little package. But not this time. This time- I was scattered. I couldn't focus. Not as bad as wondering about the flossing habits of the panelists.... but close.

I wonder if I have finally hit my zenith and am floating down. I may not have what it takes to continue to climb up the management ladder. Maybe I have bottomed out. This is it. The rest of my career struggling to pay attention, and trying to remember to do things.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't notice it. But I do. And others think that I am performing at the top of my game. But I'm not. And I know it. And it scares me because I can't seem to pull it together to improve my performance. So I guess that this is what it is like to lose it. Not that exciting, desk throwing performance that I thought losing it would consist of. Just this quiet realization of underperformance.

Sad.

I see Nicholas Cage every day 6/13/05

Okay, so maybe it isn't Nicholas Cage. But he sure looks like Nicholas Cage.
I see him every day - sometimes two or three times a day. (No, nothing like that! I am a contented girlfriend!)

The Nicholas Cage look-alike walks/jogs on Port Chicago Hwy every day. And he does it all day long! Seriously! It is creepy. I see him there in the morning when I leave for work. Walking, walking, walking. I see him there when I come home at lunch. Walking, walking, walking. I see him when I come home from work. Walking, walking, walking. And when I come home late - after dark, I almost hit him because he is walking, walking, walking.

It make me itch -- so, well, yccchhhh... he just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

It isn't the fact that he looks like Nicholas Cage - although I think that Nicholas Cage looks like a smiling skull. The walker is just so, so, so... ycchhhh...

Here we are in Concord - at least 85+ degrees. And the walker is bundled up - as if he is in the Artic zone! His face is tanned. But the rest of his body is bundled under a hoodie and running suit pants. (He wears the same thing day after day!) And it is HOT in Concord. But there he is - in the middle of the day - walking, walking, walking -- wearing enough layers to thaw an iceberg.

AND --- I think he is wearing the pants to my running suit! They sure look like mine. AND they are too short for the walker. AND mine are MISSING!!! Yccchhhhh.... just makes me itch all over....

Maybe he is an alien. But why would he walk so much?

I don't get it. All I know is that there is some wierd, creepy, Nicholas Cage person walking back and forth on Port Chicago Hwy. tonight. Possibly wearing MY running suit pants!!! Yccchhhhh....

Pillow Talk - 6/8/2005

I have two dogs.
And the two dogs have lots of hair.
And the two dogs shed.
And the two dogs shed a lot.
And I have lots of dog hairballs all over the house.
And the dog hairballs glide down the hall on my new floor.
And the dog hairballs collect into one big dog hairball at the end of the hall.

I've wondered what I should do with the large dog hairball. I have tried throwing the large dog hairball in the garbage. And the large dog hairball reappears within a few days.

I have become sort of crafty as of late. I am crocheting and learning how to scrapbook. I planted a garden. I looked at the large dog hairball with my crafty eyes and thought to myself, "what can I do with that large dog hairball"?

Hmmmm.... dog hair is like sheep hair and sheep hair is really wool... so, maybe I could spin the hair into yarn, like angora or some other fuzzy yarn. No, I don't have a spinning wheel.

I pick up a large dog hairball and examine it. It is soft and reminds me of fur lining in gloves. Hmmm... no, it is summer and I don't need fur lined gloves.

What is summer-ey and could use a lot of dog hairballs?



PILLOWS!!

I could make a couple for the sofa to replace the ones that the dogs chewed up. Ohhhhh... and I could sell them at craft fairs! Um, but maybe the animal rights folks will take offense to it. Okay, okay, I know. I could give them away! To all my friends and family! To share my lovely doggies with all the folks that I love!

I'd like to see Martha Stewart top this!

Gawd - it's June already! 6/3/05

Jeeze - it is already June!

I went to Mars tonight and watched BD for a couple of hours. I think that I'm gonna like the show this year. As long as they don't dress the guard in those wierd peasant/apron getups. Hated their uniforms last year --- oh wait, does the guard wear uniforms or do they wear costumes? Anyhoo, this year's show is gonna be great.

Watching all of that movement on the field makes me miss Renegades even more. I heard that the drumline is smoking this year.

I planted a garden last week while my mom was here. I have tomato plants, bell peppers, jalapenos, squash, zucchini, basil and strawberries. I'm gonna get some cucumbers this weekend and plant them too. I can't wait to begin harvesting! I have really gotten into being more organic in the last couple of years. I had thought that growing my own food would take me another step closer to greener living. Then after planting the garden, I stood up and admired my view of the Tosco refinery and watched the lovely smoke/chemical wafting its way towards my house. So much for being green!

Who am I kidding? I will probably spend the weekend with Gary, not plant anything else, and take lots of naps.... AAAahhhhh....I love the weekends!

Loooooooove-shack! 5/20/05

"Loveshack" (B-52s) is playing on KFOG! OMG, I love, love, love that song. No better song to sing to while driving in the car --- singing at the top of your lungs!

Thank goodness THAT is over! 5/16/2005

Good. Sunday is over. 10th anniversary is over. Good. I'm glad. Now I can just push all of that to the back of my mind and return to my regularly scheduled life.

I hooked up with two of my favorite Renegades last Saturday for coffee. It was great! (except for the part where we discussed our kids in the same way that our parents probably discussed us!) I loved hearing about the latest drama(s) in the corps. I miss all that ... it is better than reality TV. It IS reality! And, as they say, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

I miss being in the corps so much! I miss being all stinky, sweaty, tired, hot after a full Saturday practice. I miss the feeling of accomplishment of marching my show well. I miss hanging out with some of my favorite people doing some of my favorite things. And I miss the audience --- yelling for us and going wild.

sigh.

Well, even though I won't be on the field this year, I have all of the show dates marked. I already forewarned Gary of my need to attend all of the shows. I know that it may seem wierd - but there may be a change from one show to the next. And there will undoubtedly be something that I miss. The only way to really get the show is to watch it over and over and over... Or better yet, maybe at the last minute, the pit will discover that they need a triangle player. ...

10th Anniversary - 5/15/95

This is it. Finally. I have known that this day would come. And now that it is here, I think that I should feel a certain way, cry, or something. I just feel sad. I have felt sad for 10 years.

It has been 10 years since my brother, Shannon, died.

So much has happened in that 10 years. So much has happened in my life, in the life of my family, and in the world in general. So much that I wish that I could have shared with Shannon.

I wonder if he would have gotten married, had kids, changed into an average type of 31 year old man. Sometimes, I see someone who reminds me of Shannon. And I wonder what he would look like today if he were still alive. And I wonder who he would be today. Would we share some of the same interests? Would we laugh the same?

When he died, I thought that things would get better with time. They haven't. I have just gotten used to him not being here. And I've gotten used to being sad.

We were almost 10 years apart. And I remember carrying him around on my hip, like he was my own baby - showing him off to my friends, to my neighborhood friends. We played house with him, watched him, and spoiled him. And when Momma, Shannon and I moved to Tahoe, all we had was each other. Just me and Shannon against the evil Auntie.

Sometimes, I try to trick myself into being positive, learning a lesson from his death, celebrating my life and the lives of those I love. Sometimes it works. I believe it and I feel better for awhile. But after awhile, it fades. And the sadness is there, like an old friend. Comforting me, reminding me that I haven't forgotten him.

Actually, I think that I hold onto sadness. To let it go feels as though I would be betraying him. I don't talk about it much. I try to keep it closed up - in the place inside myself where I keep all my secrets. And those times that I do talk about it, I say very little. Or at least very little of what I actually feel.

So here I am 10 years later. So much has changed. Yet nothing has.

Friday the 13th - I don't get it 5/13/05

Why does Friday the 13th get a bad rap?

I like Fridays. And the number 13 isn't so shabby either. There are 13 in a baker's dozen. And that means that you can filtch one donut before offering the remaining 12 to your officemates - and they'll never know!

So whenever I want to know something... I google it. And this is a piece of what I discovered:

"Other sources suggest the number 13 was purposely vilified by the founders of patriarchal religions in the early days of western civilization because it represented femininity. Thirteen had been revered in prehistoric goddess-worshiping cultures, allegedly, because it corresponded to the number of lunar (menstrual) cycles in a year (13 x 28 = 364 days). The "Earth Mother of Laussel," for example, a 27,000-year-old carving found near the Lascaux caves in France often cited as an icon of matriarchal spirituality, depicts a female figure holding a cresent-shaped horn bearing 13 notches. According to this theory, as the solar calendar triumphed over the lunar with the rise of male-dominated civilization, so did the number 12 over the number 13, thereafter considered anathema."

I also discovered that the Chinese and ancient Egyptians revered the number 13.... but, I am still missing the connection between 13 and Friday....

I don't get it.... Buller? Buller? Anyone? Buller?

Hail in Concord? 5/9/05

Hail... in Concord?? 05/09/05
Yup - hail in Concord. I couldn't believe it either. But sure enough, this afternoon around 4:00 I saw lightening and then heard thunder. Then, I heard what I thought was a really hard, driving rain. I looked out my office window and.... Hailstones were falling!

The hailstorm lasted for at least 20 minutes. And when it was over, it looked as if there was snow on the ground. Lots of my coworkers ran outside to try to make snowballs... but of course there is a reason that we call it snowballs... not hailballs. And they were not successful.

Okay, enough oohhhing and aahhhing... now back to your regular programmed show.

Nothing, Nada, Nil= Nap 5/7/05

Now I know why I didn't create a blog until now. Guilt. That is it, pure and simple.

I haven't made a post in a week. I have been away from home all week - working in Santa Cruz (yes, I was really working). And I worked hard. And I'm tired. And I missed my daughter and my doggie. That's it. That's all. nothing more.

However, I have a nagging feeling --- GUILT! I haven't posted on my blog for a week! I told myself that when I started this blog thing that I would do it at least a couple of days a week - I wouldn't slough it off, like I do with so many other things that I start.

But, I have nothing to say. I thought about writing about Booboo smiling at me. I thought about writing about work (and WHO cares about that?!?). And that was about all I could think of.

Lots and lots of exciting things happen to me. Really, they do! But, I just can't think of any. And certainly nothing to write about. So.... I feel guilty. Like I should have wonderful thoughts and everyone would benefit from hearing the wonderfulness of those thoughts. But no wonderful thoughts, nothing new or even humerous. Nothing, nada, nil.

My mind is blank. Oh well, I think I'll go take a nap...

Lazy Saturdays 4/30/2005

I think that one of my favorite things is to wake on Saturday morning, give some smooches and tummy rubs to the doggies, and realize that I have very little on my agenda for the day. It is such a nice feeling to putter around outside, snipping the roses, feeding the koi, and just taking it all in.

This morning, I was able to spend some quality time with the doggies outdoors. Muffin rolled her ball down the hill --- over and over. And Missy Booness sniffed every crook and crannie of the fence. The birds were very active, singing and flying around. I sat on the glider drinking a cup of coffee and reading a book. The sun was warm, and I could see the fruit on my trees. It was good. I paused, watched and felt the moment. I told myself to enjoy it - to delight in it. Life has many, many struggles. If it isn't one thing, it is another. Times without struggle, without stress are rare. But not this morning. Not today. Today, I will live in the moment.


Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early spring's a flower,
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day,
Nothing gold can stay.
Robert Frost

Making it up at work 4/26/2005

So they all think I am really, really smart or something at work. I keep telling them that I make it all up. Really! And they laugh, as if I am being humble. Who, me? Humble?! I think not! I really DO make it up!

For example, last night I brought some work home. I am working on workloads, caseloads, and resetting targets for workers. It is a little complicated - lots of considerations and all. Like, which classification of worker makes more than the other, what is the percentage of work that is expected of each classification, types of cases, and so on and so on. I tried to morph the old methodology into our new business model. And discovered after some research, that we have no old methodology. Only an antiquated system of weighting work based on the number of dinasours around on a given day. So, I made it up. Seriously. Since there was nothing else to try to use as a baseline, I made it all up.

Of course I disclosed it. I'm not unethical. Just creative.

The only one who really gets it at work (who believes me, that is) is my boss. I can hear her response already, " Stef - here are the stats that I worked on." "Oh okay. Thanks Roxane". "Oh, and by the way, I made it all up." "Oh okay. Thanks Roxane". {and at this point she smiles and I know that she believes me and has heard what I said}.

I have a big meeting this morning. It is with the director of the agency. I'm supposed to give a report on implementation of the new computer system. And, of course, I have nothing to say. Really - right now, the only thing that is going on is that people are working hard, getting on each other's nerves, stepping on each other's toes, and losing their tempers. You know, a normal day dealing with government. So what do I say in my report? I can't say what is really going on in those terms. So, I will make it all up. Something like, "we continue to put the final pieces of the implementation plan together, (we are working hard). There have been several incongruencies identified and are scheduled to be addressed, (people are getting on each others nerves and rubbing each other the wrong way- but must figure a way to continue to work together). We have also identified overlapping boundaries (people stepping on each other's toes), as well as areas of concern (losing tempers). However, the weather looks sunny today - with a chance of clouds and rain in the higher elevations. Blah, blah, blah...

See - it is all made up stuff. A string of nonsensical words. Words that say something but mean so much that they wind up meaning nothing.

I need to figure out a way to phrase this skill on my resume. Something like, "Ability to use up time in a meeting without actually saying anything or committing to anything". Or, "Construction Contractor: the skill of creating a facade of substance out of popsicile sticks, used gum, and string".

Goodness knows, once people figure out what I really, really do in my job, I'm gonna need that resume!

Rollerblading - 4/24/2005

There are these cheap Hawaiian hula dolls that sit on the dashboard of the car and wiggle - apparantly imitating the hula moves. Imagine that doll with thirty additional puinds on her. Now you have a picture of me on rollerblades.

I know that my feet were moving - yet they seemed to stay in one place in comparison with everything going on from my waist up. Back and forth I moved - waist up only - bending occasionally, going backwards, never quite staying still. One difference between me and the hula doll -- I had lots of pads on, no grass skirt, and I made noise. Lots and lots of noise.

Plots of grass became my oasis. I sought out any grassy area within my reach. At least I tried to. My taskmaster was stern. Gary (aka my boyfriend and rollerblade taskmaster) didn't allow me to slack off. He did back off once when I whined about my feet hurting. (And yes, they really did hurt! Seriously! Believe me!) I figured that I tried his patience when he asked if I really wanted to learn or not. Hmmmm... I just paid a ton of money for new blades, pads, and was looking like a complete fool in front of his apartment complex.... hmmmm,,,, did I really want to learn? I wasn't sure at that point.

It really sucks when people walk by and get this totally shit eating grin on their face as they look at me. I know that they are holding the laughter in... well at least for as long as they pass me. Yes, I hear you laughing behind my back. It wouldn't be behind my back if I could turn. But I can't turn. All I can do is try to keep my feet from going out from under me - while waving my hands and bending back and forth like the dashboard hula doll.

good thing I am hawaiian... yeah - that is it... hulablading: my extreme sport.

Banned - 4-23-2005

I have been banned from my home for the evening. Actually, I banned myself from home this evening. My 18 year old is hosting a "pleasure party". Ugh. I can't go and share that experience with her. Beyond gross...

However, my sister and her daugther will be here. And a close friend will be here... sigh. I'll miss hanging with them. But the thought of sitting through all of that with my child there... hosting it?! No thanks!

Instead, I'll be hanging in San Jose with my boyfriend. We had planned to rollerblade this weekend. The weather is not cooperating. So, I guess it is an indoor weekend.... Image Maybe I'll have a pleasure party of my own!

Toilet seat covers.

Who invented those stupid things? What is their purpose? I guess it makes it okay to sit your naked bum in the same spot that someone just sat their naked bum. But, they are a pain in the ass! (yes, pun intended). Yesterday at work, I went to the ladie's room. Entered the stall, tore three or four of the toilet seat covers (tsc) from the holder thingey before getting a complete one, took five minutes to place it on the toilet seat and manage to sit myself on it without it slipping off. Once I started to pee, I realized that the face hole (or whatever it is) was still intact. I mean, it didn't tear and create a hole. So, as I am peeing, I feel my legs getting wet. The damn tsc was holding my pee instead of letting it go into the toilet! Damn!

Worst part of the story - this has happened to me before. I figure it will happen again. sigh...

Entry for April 21, 2005

It is 7:16 a.m. I should be in the shower and getting ready for work. Instead, I sit in front of my computer and write. I search and search for something to do other than get ready for work. This has become a habit of late. I wait until the last minute before jumping into the shower. No wonder I look like hell every day.

I know that it is supposed to be somthing that my subconcious is doing -- something like, I really don't like work. But I do like work. At least, I like what I am doing. I think that I just don't like showers. Or, I don't like leaving in the morning.

Yup - that is it. I am becoming a hermit. I like my home, I like my dogs, and I like to putter around with a cup of coffee in my hand. Is this what it is like to get old? I am 41 and I would rather stay at home doing a jigsaw puzzle than go out drinking with the girls. sigh...

I had thought that I would grow into a really cool older woman. The one that is full of life, is fun, and loves doing things. Maybe I should re-think this concept. I think that instead I will be come the crazy lady who lives with her dogs, puttering about in her bathrobe, and mumbling to herself. (oh yeah - can't forget the cup of coffee in her hand...)

Enough musings. Guss I have to get ready for work.... maybe I can putter around there with a cup of coffee in my hand, muttering to myself.....