Do you ever wonder if you are losing it? Mentally, I mean? I do. and I think that I finally have. It isn't one of those going crazy, screaming, throwing things. Nothing exciting like that. It is quiet. I lose track of things. And sometimes I don't even remember that I have lost track of it. Because I don't remember it at all.
That is just the memory aspect. Then there is the not being as sharp as I used to be aspect. I used to be able to pick up on subtle nuances. I could follow three conversations at once, and have insightful comments for each one. Not any more. Now, as I listen to people talk in a meeting, my focus devolves to just watching their lips move. And I wonder if they floss each and every day - or just once in awhile.
I used to be able to produce tons and tons of work. I could produce paper like mad. Paper with writing on it, even. Like reports and stuff. Not any more. Now I just produce yellow legal sheets with handwritten notes and "action" items. They never transform into anything meaningful. They just clutter my desk. And I am afraid that if I throw them away, I will forget to do something that I have already forgotten that I was supposed to do.
I wake at night - well actually about 2:00 AM - and worry about all of the things that I should be doing that aren't getting done. All the meetings that I was supposed to plan, finding conference rooms to hold those meetings, finding a time where the schedules of five people can converge for an hour. And, of course, what those meetings need to be about.
I tried to spend yesterday afternoon - 5 whole hours - doing only three tasks: composing a letter to clients, putting together notes from a previous meeting and writing out recommendations based on those notes, and adding to my MicrosoftProject "to do" list. I accomplished the first two items. But I didn't , couldn't, get to the third.
I could have slammed that out plus a couple more things in addition to them just a couple of years ago. Not anymore. I thought that I could accomplish those three things. But only two were completed. Why? It must be that I am losing it. I don't have the focus, the drive, the jizz that I used to have.
And I blew an interview this week. An oral board. For the classification that I hold right now in a work out of class position. Translation: I needed to do well in the oral board so that I could get on the list and be hired permanently into the job that I am doing right now. But I blew it. It was not pretty. Normally, I do really good interviews. Any chance to talk about myself is one that I don't normally pass up. And I usually answer their questions well. I hit the key points, relate it to my experience, and sum it all up in a nice, neat little package. But not this time. This time- I was scattered. I couldn't focus. Not as bad as wondering about the flossing habits of the panelists.... but close.
I wonder if I have finally hit my zenith and am floating down. I may not have what it takes to continue to climb up the management ladder. Maybe I have bottomed out. This is it. The rest of my career struggling to pay attention, and trying to remember to do things.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't notice it. But I do. And others think that I am performing at the top of my game. But I'm not. And I know it. And it scares me because I can't seem to pull it together to improve my performance. So I guess that this is what it is like to lose it. Not that exciting, desk throwing performance that I thought losing it would consist of. Just this quiet realization of underperformance.
Sad.
